Sound familiar? You've been torn between two or three options for days, even weeks. There are arguments for one, and arguments for the other too. You wrote a list, asked your friends what they think, and you're still exactly where you started. Meanwhile the question keeps echoing in your head: what is wrong with me that I can't make a decision?
Honestly, nothing. Indecision almost always has a cause, and it is rarely a character flaw. It's worth finding out what it is, because what helps depends on the cause.
Why can't I make a decision?
There are too many good options. When both paths (or more) are appealing, there is no clearly "wrong" answer to relieve you. A pros-and-cons list doesn't help either, because both columns are equally long. (That's what our article Should I Be a Baker or an Astronaut? is about, too.)
You're afraid of the wrong choice. Many people look for the perfect decision, the one that is supposedly "forever", unchangeable, and settles the rest of their life. If that's the decision you're trying to make, every argument breeds fear. Yet there is almost always room to move after a decision too. You're just afraid of what it might cost if you decide wrong.
You're not hearing your own voice. Other people's expectations are in the room, the "what will they say", the "what should I do". As long as they're louder, your own wish goes quiet, and you're no longer sure what you actually want.
You're tired. Many small and large decisions wear you out. Good decisions on important matters are rarely made in the evening, tired and stressed.
What to do when you can't make a decision: five steps
1. Size up the stakes, and what comes next if you decide wrong. Ask yourself: if I decide wrong, what can I do afterwards? You usually have more options than you think. There is no perfect decision, only one you commit to and can still adjust along the way.
2. Give yourself a time frame that doesn't squeeze you. You don't have to decide tonight, but a loose handhold helps, such as "by the end of this week I want to see more clearly". A deadline here isn't pressure, it helps close the loop. If no decision comes by then, that is information too: something is probably still missing.
3. Ask: what is the worst case, and could I survive it? Write down the worst scenario for each path and what you would do if it happened. Often both turn out to be survivable, and that alone reduces the fear.
4. Ask yourself what you would choose in secret. What would you pick if nobody in the world would ever know which way you went? Say out loud, or write down, why you want one of them. Notice what you feel as you do: relief, or a knot in your stomach? The body often knows the answer before you do when you're trying to decide in your head. It isn't magic, just a signal. Take it into account, but don't let it be your only criterion.
5. Ask different questions. Lists and advice are good tools, but when the arguments no longer carry you forward, a fresh point of view can complement them. What you need isn't more arguments but different questions. For example:
- Is now the right time for me to take this step?
- What information would make my decision easier?
- Who should I talk to, and about what, in this situation?
The more willing you are to ask questions of yourself, and where needed of others, the clearer the picture becomes of what you want and where to go next.
The I Ching is built on questions
The I Ching is a Chinese book several thousand years old, and using it is built on asking questions too. First you ask a question, then comes the draw, and the result is most often not a concrete answer but guidance. It doesn't predict the future, and it doesn't tell you what to do. You receive a hexagram of six lines that describes the present moment and shows angles you might not have noticed on your own.
If, for example, hexagram 5, Waiting, comes up, it does not mean "do nothing": there are times when the situation isn't ripe for action yet, and practicing patience is itself a form of action. In a decision deadlock that can be liberating, because maybe it isn't the decision you're missing, but the time hasn't come yet, or you need more information. New questions attach to your first one: What exactly am I waiting for? What is still ripening?
The draw is random, and the interpretation is yours. HexaInsight draws a hexagram the traditional way, and the AI then helps interpret that exact hexagram in relation to your question. The aim is not to hand you a fixed answer, but to let you see something you hadn't seen before.
There is another very interesting way to bring in the I Ching when you face a decision. Most people ask an either-or question, for example: "Should I take the new job, or stay where I am?" That isn't the best approach, because, as we wrote above, the I Ching doesn't tell you what to do. (We asked it that way ourselves in the Baker article, but we've since learned a better method.)
Instead, it is far more useful to draw a hexagram separately for each option. Continuing the example, these could be the two questions:
- "What consequences would it have if I accepted the new job offer?"
- "What options do I have if I stay in my current job?"
Look at the two interpretations side by side. Which one brings relief or excitement, and which one tension? Which questions come up again? The aim isn't for the "better" hexagram to win, but for the difference between the two pictures to show you what you want.
When to ask for help
If the indecision has been weighing on you for weeks and affects your sleep, your work or your relationships, talk to someone: a friend, a coach or a psychologist. Sometimes anxiety or exhaustion sits behind the procrastination, and neither an article nor a hexagram will solve that.